Bachelor Recap

Remember this??  I hope you do.  Everyone should remember everything I write on my blog, forever.  Especially that.
Anyways, last Monday night we were introduced to JuanPabs and his womens.  As usual, it was a train wreck.  And it was fantastic.  I don't remember anyone's name at this point, except for 4 girls:

1.  Amy J
Unfortunately for us all, my prediction from December 5 (click that link, people) came true.  In the worst possible way.  I imagined an awkward shoulder massage on a bench. Instead, this happened:

Avert your eyes!  Abort!  Abort!  It was horrible.  There was suggestive moaning, and it made me feel like I did the first time I ever heard an Herbal Essence shampoo commercial when I was in middle school.  You all know what I'm talking about.  Blurg.
But here's the thing:  not only was she awkward, she was terrifying.  Like, I think she boils puppies and roasts kittens on a spit.  Proof?  I've got it right here:

Nachos?  A salad?  You can't really tell.  Puppies and kittens, I'm telling you.

2.  Nikki:  
"Is drunk a type of dancing?" asks Nikki, earnestly.
The defense rests.~~typed by Heather Frowow, December 5, 2013
Nikki is a nurse.  And not just any nurse, she tells Juan Pablo.  A bay-bee nurse, she says in a high pitched voice, while rocking a imaginary child in her arms.  Seeing as she is a self proclaimed drunk, I can only assume that she is confused and thinks she's actually a Baby Nurse, you know, like this: 

In the event that I'm wrong--Nikki, stay the crap away from my baby!

3.  Lucy, the free spirit:
She straddled Chris Harrison on Sunday night's prequel, and when I saw that I thought--finally! Someone realizes that Chris is the real catch on this show!  Alas, she was just practicing the Run, Jump, and Straddle (hereafter referred to as the RJS) that the producers make an integral part of the audition process.  Lucy wore a wreath of flowers on her head and was barefoot, which in my book means she's trying a bit too hard to keep up the 'free spirit' image.  If she was a real free spirit, she'd be on Ina May Gaskins' farm in Tennessee, training to be a midwife.  Instead she's straddling Chris Harrison in an upscale boutique preparing to be on the Bachelor.  I'm calling her bluff.

4.  Sharleen
I love this girl!  First of all, she's awkward like a robot, yet confident:

Sharleen confidently standing up to give Juan Pablo a drink?  Or a robot dance move?  Watch the show or you'll never know!
Second of all, she's beautiful, talented (an opera singer), and is not letting the emotions of the competition carry her into a bathroom screaming, "I want Juan Pablo to die!" (That happens this season ya'll!  I can't wait!)
Third of all, Juan Pablo is totally enamored by her!  Her dress!  Her profession!  Her travels!  He is smitten and smitten hard.  Sharleen is just like, "Meh.  He's ok."

Sharleen got the first impression rose and instead of accepting by breaking out the RJS, she was silent for a moment and then said, "sure."  I love her.  And she secured her place as front runner because men like a challenge.  She has certainly got Juan Pablo's interest now.  I can't wait to see how the rest of the season plays out!