1: Buried Crack in the Front Yard
So, at around 36ish weeks, I'm "sitting," or as some would say, "dozing" on the sofa when I awoke to see a homeless looking man sifting through the dirt around our bushes with a stick. Not just any stick: a walking stick. At first I thought, "hmmm, maybe he's maintenance" but then he vanished as quickly as he came. Once I was sure he was off our street, I opened the front door to find the mulch by our bushes was all stirred up. My first thought should have been, "Ahhh, scary, he might have been looking for a key and was going to rob us, call the cops now!" BUT at the time I thought--"OMG, someone just buried their crack in our front yard! I can't call the cops because then they will think it was MY CRACK!" Seriously, this theory sounded solid at the time and not even a rebuttal from Andres could sway my assessment of the situation. And it wasn't until a ridiculous amount of time had passed (like...think over a year) that I realized how absurd my crack theory sounded. Whatevs.
2: Bob Stroller Hopes
So, at about 27 weeks I purchased the Bob.
So you can make your own inference about the half marathon.
3: Church ladies go like woah
Starting around November, I became famous. I entered my third trimester but looked about 52 weeks pregnant. I.WAS.HUGE. Just imagine the hugest pregnant woman you've ever seen, make her bigger, and you get me. I'm not just saying this. I have verbal affirmation from several sources that I was the hugest pregnant woman ever. Including a pharmaceutical rep I met in the elevator at my ob/gyn who looked at me and said "oh my gosh." He couldn't even control it. He apologized profusely, but I was like, "I know. I'm with you, man." Anyways, I was very famous at church. My friend Jen also got famous for being friends with the enormous pregnant lady. Four days before my due date, I served communion and a lady tried to hold my hand to help me up the stairs to the altar. And then, she offered to help me back down. Plus also, other people started to say, "I hope I don't see you here next week" when it was mid-November. People, Max wasn't due until the end of January. So yeah.
4: The Loss of Dignity
Here I am before going to the hospital for my c-section:
I lost all dignity in the hospital. Please know I don't mean that the staff treated me without respect and my experience was horrible. Quite the opposite, actually. What I mean is that birth is a messy business that happens to involve nether regions. There is nothing like a nurse coming into your room, changing your baby, and then walking over to change you. Before heading back to the OR I told my doctor that I'd like to use the restroom one last time because, well, I had to go. He said, "No, don't worry, once we're back there we will empty your bladder for you." Exact words. Empty your bladder for you. What? One can outsource the emptying of one's bladder to a third party? Blow my mind.
5: Drinking Poop Tea
Ok. After abdominal surgery, things can be a bit slow moving, if you catch my drift. Ok, ok, let's just call the tree a tree. Abdominal surgery gives you incredible gas. This creates pain, which can radiate into your shoulder and convince you that the hour of your death is at hand. The sweet nurses told me they could make a special drink that could help with The Situation. It's basically tea steeped in warmed ginger ale. Ya'll. It was smack-yo-mama-good. I asked for it. Lots. LOTS.
Would you like to be put on the lactation consultant's schedule?
Yes, plus also I'd like some more tea, please.
Have you emptied your bladder today?
Yes, and can I have more tea? It's so freaking good!
I'm just checking up on you. How are you doing?
GIVE ME TEA! please?
Eventually you are going to need to start walking.
Can I have tea first? TEAAAAA! TEAAAAA!
Would you like to be put on the lactation consultant's schedule?
Yes, plus also I'd like some more tea, please.
Have you emptied your bladder today?
Yes, and can I have more tea? It's so freaking good!
I'm just checking up on you. How are you doing?
GIVE ME TEA! please?
Eventually you are going to need to start walking.
Can I have tea first? TEAAAAA! TEAAAAA!
Actual image of Heather Frowow demanding tea
Well, fast forward to 7 weeks later and I'm still not over the tea. NOT.OVER.IT. My friend, Susan, who is a nurse came over to visit Max and I'm all, "OMG, I had the best tea at the hospital. Do you serve your patients tea with ginger ale? OMG, it's totes amazeballs." And she's like, "Yeah, it's a tea with a laxative effect." Sooo...
Would you like to be put on the lactation consultant's schedule?
Yes, plus also I'd like some more laxatives, please.
Have you emptied your bladder today?
Yes, and can I have more laxatives? They're so freaking good!
I'm just checking up on you. How are you doing?
GIVE ME LAXATIVES! please?
Eventually you are going to need to start walking.
Can I have laxatives first? LAXATIVESSSS! LAXATIVESSS!
Would you like to be put on the lactation consultant's schedule?
Yes, plus also I'd like some more laxatives, please.
Have you emptied your bladder today?
Yes, and can I have more laxatives? They're so freaking good!
I'm just checking up on you. How are you doing?
GIVE ME LAXATIVES! please?
Eventually you are going to need to start walking.
Can I have laxatives first? LAXATIVESSSS! LAXATIVESSS!
I'm so embarrassed, but if there is a next time I'll know to keep my requests to a minimum or have Andres make it on the sly.
6: Weight Gain and Tears
At around 23ish weeks I apparently had gained an enormous amount of weight compared to your average preggo. To the world I looked like this:
But to Dr. A I looked like this:
And he told me so. Well, he wasn't like "you look like a beached whale." It was more like "Stop eating. Weight gain doesn't come from nowhere." Jerk. I cried all the the way to Earthfare, where I literally bought $80 worth of this:
What was I thinking? Now I'm older. Wiser. I should have gone straight to chic-fil-a for this:
Live and learn.
7: Carnage at Starbucks
At 38 weeks I found out Max was transverse and Dr. G told me that if he was still sideways at my next appointment I would have a c-section sometime that week. I was so excited at the potential to have an early eviction that I brought my hospital bag with me to my next appointment because I was going to be like heisgoingtocomeoutrightnownowNOWoriwillcutyoupeople.
Yeah. Didn't happen. He was head down, BUT, I maintain until the day I die that I felt his head float back up to my right side at precisely the intersection of Duraleigh and Ebenezer on the way home. Just 5 minutes after my appointment. I was so bummed. Starbucks was the only answer. So, I'm leaving Starbucks with my PSL and this lady looks at me with wide eyes and says, "Oh, honey, you look so uncomfortable!" Without warning, I did this:
Only I did NOT look like Tierra. I googled "crazy woman crying" and none of the images were emotional enough. Then, I thought I'd google "Tierra crying" because I knew she could deliver the crazy I was after and she did not disappoint, no sir.
Anyways, the poor woman apologized perfusely and BUT THEN some old lady came up to to me and was like, "When are you due?!?" in such an accusatory tone that it was like, "you are clearly over a year pregnant, what are you thinking gestating that poor baby so long, you delinquent mother!?!" At least that's what my pregnant lady ears heard. I sobbed my way to the car, back to my house, and into my husbands pajama pants.
And that's what it was like to be Heather Frowow Pregnant.
6: Weight Gain and Tears
At around 23ish weeks I apparently had gained an enormous amount of weight compared to your average preggo. To the world I looked like this:
7: Carnage at Starbucks
At 38 weeks I found out Max was transverse and Dr. G told me that if he was still sideways at my next appointment I would have a c-section sometime that week. I was so excited at the potential to have an early eviction that I brought my hospital bag with me to my next appointment because I was going to be like heisgoingtocomeoutrightnownowNOWoriwillcutyoupeople.
Yeah. Didn't happen. He was head down, BUT, I maintain until the day I die that I felt his head float back up to my right side at precisely the intersection of Duraleigh and Ebenezer on the way home. Just 5 minutes after my appointment. I was so bummed. Starbucks was the only answer. So, I'm leaving Starbucks with my PSL and this lady looks at me with wide eyes and says, "Oh, honey, you look so uncomfortable!" Without warning, I did this:
Anyways, the poor woman apologized perfusely and BUT THEN some old lady came up to to me and was like, "When are you due?!?" in such an accusatory tone that it was like, "you are clearly over a year pregnant, what are you thinking gestating that poor baby so long, you delinquent mother!?!" At least that's what my pregnant lady ears heard. I sobbed my way to the car, back to my house, and into my husbands pajama pants.
And that's what it was like to be Heather Frowow Pregnant.
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